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What's Your Question? Ask the Answer Bunny
Sex problems? Credit debt irking you? Didn't get that pilot's license? Think you may have killed someone? Bring your problems to the Answer Bunny; like a bridge over troubled waters, I will lay you down. See the bright hot light of wisdom burning in my breast? See the rays of knowledge emanating from my being? I'll tell you the Awful Truth. Answer Bunny portrait: Laurie Dewar/ bunnies@thevortex.com |
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Q:
YO, AB: WHY R GUYS EVIL? AND IS BEING A LESBIAN THE ANSWER? from Hitdiskitty
"We come from the land of ice and snow, where the midnight sun and the hot springs blow...How soft your fields so green, and whispered tales of gore, of how we stemmed the tides of war- WE ARE YOUR OVERLORDS!" Ahem.
On second thought, doesn't the 'New Webster's Dictionary of Lesbianspeak' define 'smirt' as 'nasty'? It's a play on the old hetero term 'trim[s]' (as in, "I gotta go get me some trim[s]")? If my magnificent memory serves me well, I believe you'll find 'smirt' sandwiched between 'depthesize: v; to go down deep' and 'sprekinmerkin: v; the action of a horny lesbian'. Sheesh, am I detecting a pattern here?
Anyway, you ethnocentric sqabblehead, just because a HUMAN doesn't see or hear something doesn't mean it's non-existent. There are other creatures of the forest, you know, and they, too, have ears. And eyes. And sharp fangs and claws. And fast legs to run from you when you shoot at them... The squirrel has no case against the deed holder of the property, being dead (under the tree which DID fall on it, even though no human observed the tragic incident). Our culture offers few 'rights' to the dead among us; the squirrel has even less rights than that.
I'm off to pray- I knew that squirrel.
A:
Oh, that's good, isn't it. Blame all the men for your obsession with booty. Well, I'm obsessed with booty, too, but I'm not blaming the men for that, you munch-rugging Amelia Earhart wanna-be. Come hit DIS kitty, or bunny, if you will. Funny Bunny. Funny as in 'queer' Bunny. Or, like Grandma Rabbit used to say, "There's something funny about that bunny. She's obsessed with booty."
P.S. Grandma Rabbit was eaten by a lesbian.
Q:
HOW CAN I BECOME AN ANSWER BUNNY (or at least just look like one)?
from Jane, NotAnAnswerBunny
A:
Dream on. If you can live for 10,333 years; if you sat at the feet of Plato, Buddha and Amelia Earhart; if you know how to travel at will through the vast expanse of time and space; if you've absorbed every particle of knowledge and wisdom ever thought up or expressed by every sentient life form in the universe; then- and ONLY THEN- are you worthy to lick my boots. As far as appearances are concerned...unless you're one foot in total body length, covered in dirty white fir, have ears longer than your boyfriend's pee-pee and a tail the shape of a snow-covered bagel, and are covered in blood because you bit off the head of a Knight of the Roundtable with one snip of your oversize 'buck teeth', you CAN'T look like me. Like Grandma Rabbit used to say, "We can't all be the Answer Bunny. Please pass the Sir Lancelot."
Q:
WHY DO PEOPLE LIVE IN BOSTON? from Laurie S
A:
Nice try, Superfly. Trying to trick me the way the anti-Zionists tried to trick Rabbi Hilledel on the West Bank of the Nile in '47, aren't you? Well guess what: I live close to the ground so I can look up your skirt! You need to drop the deception and specify the real question here; are you asking WHY people live in Boston, or why PEOPLE live in Boston, or why people LIVE in Boston, or why people live IN Boston, or why they live in BOSTON? I see through your little plan to show me up by asking five questions in one, so I'll just quote Margret Fuller..."Render unto Ceasar the things that are Ceasar's, and unto the Rabbit, the things that are Rabbit's".
Q:
dear Mr. Fucking Rabbit: i have a few questions and i figure i might want to put them in one message so we are not wasting any of my goddamn time. one thing before i go to the question part. i just want to make it clear that i know more than you do. ok? got that you little fucking furry bitch? now, here are the questions:
let's just say i was a mandolin player. just for kicks, eh? how, if i may ask, can i get famous? there has never been a famous mandolin player. so
what do i need to do, aside from blowing all the members of some groovy
rock band?
secondly, how can i get people to stop saying stupid embarrassing shit like, "oh, that little instrument is soooo cute, what did you say it's called?" -or- "when did you start playing the ukelele?" -or even better- "do you ever stick that thing up your ass?"
just some questions for you pubic haired covered know-it-all. from SmarterThan You
A:
#1: You'll never be famous, you no-talent mooch; you play a glorified ukelele. Better start blowing that rock band.
#2: The only way to stop these logical and interesting questions is to start playing an instrument cooler than a mandolin- like a tuba (ever put one of THOSE up your ass?). And if you ever swear at me again, I'll shove a bunch of flaming CARROTS up your ass.
Q:
WHAT IS THE COLOR OF THE SOUL (said Buddha, Jesus, and the Poets of Old that evening is the color of the soul)? from CrazyareWe
A:
Oh, yeah? Well, those guys are all dead. I, the Answer Bunny, on the other hand, am the Seat of Soul, and it's colorblind, you spiritual Luddite. Soul (unlike Soil) can't be seen, but only felt. Any person of science knows THIS: Soul lives deep inside the atoms, speaking in tiny, rhythmic voices to the molecules. I know; I hear it. I hear it right now. Gotta boogie.
Q:
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE (the cereal)? from Madman868
A:
Ask Mikey; he's the only one who knows (BTW, as a rabbit, I'm used to eating REAL life, right out of the ground, not that fake crap you bipeds eat. Now I'm nauseous).
Q:
HOW DO I GET FROM HERE TO THERE? from Donna M
A:
You cannot get from here to there; you cannot get to anywhere. You cannot get there in a boat; you cannot get there with a goat. You cannot fly there in a plane; you cannot get to there from Maine. You cannot get there in a pram, and I do not like Green Eggs and Ham.
Q:
ANSWER BUNNY, WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? from Bruce N
A:
What do I look like, the Hammer of the Gods?
Q:
WHEN WILL I MEET THE MAN OF MY DREAMS? from Lauri D
A:
What do I look like, the Dating Game Bunny? Why don't you try not-dreaming for awhile, and give the men of the real world a chance, you fantasy-dominated sycophant. Anyway, who told you your dream-mate has to be a man? Ever hang with a rabbit? We breed like bunnies.
Q:
WHAT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR? from DRIANGRY
A:
You're trying to trick me, aren't you? You think I can't see through your little scheme? FYI, I'm not the Psychic Bunny, I'm the ANSWER BUNNY. Anyway, it doesn't matter what color I divine your favorite to be, you'll just lie and say it's something else. That's how you people are. The truth is you hate all colors and long for the old black-and-white days, when you could wallow in endless shades of grey with others of your ilk.
Q:
WHAT DOES 'SMIRT' MEAN? from TAJGOAT
A:
You're trying to trick me, aren't you? You think I can't see through your little scheme? FYI, I'm not the Vocabulary Bunny , I'm the ANSWER BUNNY. Anyway, it doesn't matter what definition I give your word, you'll just lie and say it's something else. That's how you people are. The truth is you hate all words and long for the old days, when you could wallow in endless garbled lexicon with others of your ilk.
Q:
SMART BUNNY: IF A SQIRREL IS IN THE FOREST AND A TREE FALLS ON THE SQUIRREL AND NOBODY WAS THERE TO SEE IT OR HEAR IT, DID IT REALLY HAPPEN? IF SO, WHAT KIND OF CASE DOES THE SQUIRREL HAVE AGAINST THE DEED HOLDER OF THE PROPERTY, PARTICULARLY IF 'TRESPASSING' IS NOT AN ISSUE? from JohnK
A:
It's MZ Smart Bunny to you, buster, with your little sound-of-one-hand-clapping philosophical conundrum. You're trying to trick me, aren't you? You think I can't see through your little scheme? FYI, I'm not the Attorney Bunny, I'm the ANSWER BUNNY.